Top Design: It's Gayer than than a Cher and Madonna Tribute Concert to Brokeback Mountain in Castro
Episode 2: The clients weren't the only kids this episode. And there was some PSA about AIDS, while I'd rather see some P&A from GOIL.
Previously on Top Design. The Odd Couple bickers. Goil and Elizabeth are on top while Storm and Heatherette's design is too theme-y. They should have saved it for this week's challenge. Then they show all of the fabulous prizes that could be won to further put more iodine on the losers' wounds. Ouch.
Caveat. I've been told by some readers that my recap is too loong to read. My response: Are you kidding me? Is generation next's attention span that short?Fact: The longest Harry Potter book was 650 pages and 10-year-olds have finished it in one day. Aren't you smarter than a 10-year-old?
My recap is not as long. But mine has prettier pictures. And my recaps are funnier and no one dies.
Moral of the story, kids, read a book. It will make you smarter and America smarter in the eyes of the rest of the world. Unless you're reading Ann Coulter. She's a douchebag.
Thank you, AfterElton! AfterElton seduced every male Top Design contestant did all the dirty work for me and with their magic flying monkeys of fabulousness to confirm the gayness of four contestants, including one my boyfriend "Ennis" kept saying "he's not!!!" Take a wild guess who.
Meet the Fabulous Four:
Darn, I was looking forward to stalking their trailers. Don't they look like the Fantastic Four? Goil=Mr. Fantastic, Erik=Mr. Invisible, John=The Testosterone Thing, Michael= The Flaming Torch
That means we have four gays, two straight men, and...no lesbians?! AfterEllen, please turn in your homo-work. On the bright side, TD was airing commercials of the new season of "Work Out" which is "The L Word" meets "American Gladiators."
It features Jackie Warner who has a six pack and is apparently loved by women down south. No, I didn't mean that figuratively.
The Gayest Opening Ever: This is so refreshing after watching "Loving Laughing Living Breathing Pooping Peeing...this is the way that weee liive and LOOOVE!" on Showtime. Y'know who would make a great opening for this show? The Scissor Sisters' "Filty/Gorgeous" which describes half and half of the contestants and their designs.
Onto the show! We start off at the Top Design House.
Look at me! I'm Storm! Laalalaaaa!
Clearly, John is bored from watching this broadway musical of a cast, so he decides to drop some drama.
John: I need to let everybody know here that I'm HIV positive and I've been HIV positive for the past 13 years.
Duh-duh-duh. The unanimous response is "So?"
What do you expect from a house full of gays, hags, and stags? Perhaps if John said this and there was a homophobic conservative person on the show, said person would have gone completely nuts and changed the bedsheets and have the whole place defumigated . Then, Goil, Erik and Michael would have to punch a bitch. Jerry! Jerry!
Then, John reveals something else
John: When you're HIV positive, the virus takes away your testosterone (and so does hanging out with guys like Michael)...my doctor gave me a shot of 400 mg of testosterone.
That's enough testosterone to turn "The L Word's" Max into a man. But the results of that weren't pleasant either. Oh, it's not because you have a Falcon shaped dildo stuck up your bum named Michael that you are pissed off at all the time? Speaking of Michael...
John: I do not hate Michael. I do not wish evil upon him at all.
The golden couple made up. And probably because of what happened between episodes one and two
.
Michael must've given it to him good.
Then, Michael says something absolutely stupid.
Michael: I think John telling the interior designers about his HIV was a shock because you're shocked when anyone discloses that to you.
Oh poor Michael. You're a delusional lil' thing living in your world of leather daddies and dreams of Todd Oldham giving you the Top Design tiara. No one cares. They all want to see Goil try to skateboard again because he's much cuter to look at.
Then, John says he's going to take a hot bath. Michael will probably join him and they'll bicker/have hot sex like another golden couple - Queer as Folk's Brian and Justin.
Moral of the story: It's okay to live with people with AIDS. Way to go Bravo! You get a GLAAD gold star!
BigGayTodd: I have to say that we are expecting a lot more.
That was Todd's compliment/bitch slap. I love how everyone is optimistic but they're really catty and snide on the inside. Like gay men.
Oh and one more thing. "The person who wins this challenge wins immunity," BigGayTodd sez. "That means you can't be eliminated in the next round."
Ooh! Oooh! Can the winner also design their immunity idol? And can we have some hoe-bag named Ozzy hog it all the time? Yup, I was on Team Puka aka Yul-and-Brad-get-it-on-now-please!
"The next challenge is an individual challenge," BigGayTodd says. A sigh emits from the love nest. "And in this portfolio are ten new clients...and they want you to create and build a new bedroom." Uh oh, I can see it now.
And so does everyone else.
Fortunately, it's not. Each contestant gets a description of their client. And no one likes decapitated Japanese dolls.
Erik's client is Trent, an artist who like fish and 60s music. John gets Tessa who is a singer and martial artist who likes to be in control (read: power-dyke). Andrea selets Shea, a perfectionist figure skater who likes trendy fashions. Carisa's client likes to do volunteer work and wants to go to South America. Ryan has Madison who is an entrepreneur and has a cat. Goil's client Matt is a comedian and is into action movies.
Well, it sure beats this...
Felicia has Joey who looves chess...and ballet.
Felicia: I want to put a king size bed should he invite a lady friend over, he'll have more room.
BigGayTodd just snickers. Based on his taste, I don't think Joey is going to be bringing any lady friends any time now. The only ladies that'll be in his bedroom are the queen chess pieces Felicia will be putting in his room.
Window shopping at the Pacific Design Center. Because that's all the contestants get to do because they don't have as much money as they did last challenge. Especially to buy big yellow peppers and Chinese beds, thank God. If Bravo was smarter, they would send the contestants over to the "department store" instead. See my rant later.
Meet the clients! As the contestants mope that they wasted an hour window shopping, BigGayTodd brings in the clients. And they are ten times worse than Alexis Arquette.
Don't you just loove how serious they look?
Ryan: I had to change my design to accomodate a 10-year-old girl, which I was going to assume was a 50-year-old woman with a cat.
Hey Felicia, Joey probably wouldn't invite a lady friend. He probably thinks they all have cooties and warts. And prefers playing doctor with all the other boys. Like me.
Oh, and John's client. 50 percent glam, 50 percent tomboy. 100 percent control freak and all babydyke in training!
Wait till she starts watching "South of Nowhere." Babydyke loove!
Erik finds out that his client really likes pirate ships. And he changes the room a little bit. And by that, he actually means a whole lot.
BigGayTodd tells them to say goodbye to their clients...
...and hello to the carpenters. This show has a biig obession with carpenters. So does "The L Word." Like the awesomeness that was Candace the Carpenter.
That's probably what John should have done with his carpenter to get his way.
What they should have been doing in the first place. By the way, this episode was brought to you by Targay. It's the gayest convenience store ever, because it sells Isaac Mizrahi stuff and L Word and Queer as Folk DVDs. Out in public. That's enough to make Dubya's robotic head spin around and explode.
FYI, gay people don't shop at Wal-Mart, unless we're desperate and live in B.F.E. (Butt-Fuck Egypt) cities like Fond du Lac, Wisc. where we have a Super Wal-Mart because a simple conservative convenience store is not enough. I went to that store and the first thing I saw was a kid with a mullet.
Kids with mullets do not please Miss J.
So why do you keep calling it a "department store." Is "Target" that hard to say?! It's two bloody syllables! But I guess designers are stuffy and affluent pricks who would rather go to snooty places like "The Pacific Design Center"
Except Goil, of course. He looks like he knows how to have a good tme.
Oh, and I love a straight man who is confident enough in his sexuality to wear a pink boa. 
Ryan Humphrey, you win at life.
Back to the drawing board. So, everybody is painting. Even Michael. Look, it's a miracle! I like Ryan's wall. I want something like that for my room. And he's using a broom to paint a wall. Don't you love how Erik is handling his paint roller? I'm sure his partner is a verrry happy man.
So, is this the testosterone drugs too? John is throwing a little hissy fit. He's out of the closet now so he now has the right to. His carpenter came back with no floor. So, instead of doing what he can, John just stands around bitching and looking at the mess that is his room so far and telling everybody about it. Bitch, please. Get your ass to work. He needs his other half, badly, to serve as motivation.
Six hours to go and everyone is frustrated. Everyone is panicky. And Goil is horny.
Goil: No, no. Deeper!
Wow, if only Goil were saying that in a different situation...
So is Erik.
Erik: First, I want to fill this space right here...
Erik has some noice arms too. Oh wait, I hate that tattoo on his arm. Fashion no-nos - Mullets EVER and Chinese tattoos where the words don't make any sense at all. The first one is the first part of the word "name" and the second one means "sound." I didn't take six years of Chinese for nothing. So, kids, watch out for those Chinese tattoos. For all you know, the characters probably mean "easy access" which sums up Erik. And Michael.
Speaking of that, John the drama queen needs his spotlight.
John: Omigod, this is too big.
And then he grunts like a frustrated gay man in a similar situation. Something tells me that his last session with Michael wasn't as much fun.
Anyways, are there any applications for the Top Design fluffer? I do guys only.
Sorry, that position is already taken. Enter BigGayTodd, always the optimist to stroke the ego of our doomed contestants. I bet he walks off stage laughing maniacally.
Todd does everybody. Erik has built the perfect little space for Trent to store his booty (other little boys). The judges will love Goil's wheely furniture. And Goil does this thank you-squat which gives us all a better glimpse of his ass. Thank you Todd!
And then he approaches John, who is on the floor bawling.
Todd: Just pick your three priorities and nail it.
Not even BigGayTodd is willing to stroke BigGayJohn's ego.
Five minute warning. 
Carisa doesn't know how to tie a knot. Michael's got biig red slippers for his fabulous diva client. John covers a dent in the wall with a lamp. I'm wondering where did they find these people.
Rainbow White Room. The guest judge, Liz Lange of today brought "sexyback" to motherhood, according to BigGayTodd. Unfortunately, no dentist could do anything with those teeth.
She looks like Heather Matarazzo's big sister, who rules as Stacey Merkin on "The L Word."
Oh, and the posing as the lights turn on for all the bedrooms. Faabulous. Look at Carissa. She's got it down cuz this is "America's Next Top Model." Right? Right.
Goil looks especially scrumptious with a tie. And his room looks fabulous. 
And made for Hiro Nakamura. And there's a little place where Goil his client could go hide, because he looks like a guy whose had to hide in the closet for a long time. But he's out now, thankfully.
Carisa's jungle looks fabulous. Matt's room is also fabulous and glam. John's place looks like a disaster. 
Check out the footprints on the floor. I wonder what excuse John has for that. No powerdyke in training would want to sleep there.
Bette Porter (to John): How dare you.
Speaking of disasters, check out Ryan's room. 
This place had so much potential but I guess he didn't paint it all in time. It could've used some sky. Some clouds. Anything.
Margaret agrees with me.
And then, there is Erik. OMGWOWTHEMEY aka My New Bedroom.
Erik: Kids grow up way too fast so why not give them someting that they can hold onto and kinda hold onto the wonder a little bit longer. Pure fun was the motivation.
Johnathan: Where did you get the "Home Sweet Home" pillow?
Michael: I from a "department store."
It's TAR-GET. Say it with me, Michael, TAR-GET. You affluent S.O.B.
P.S. I'm wondering how the designers would design a bedroom for this client.
Erik ass-shot before the commercial. I want his jeans!
The hot seat aka Judge Johnathan's Room of Snarky Punishment. The judges love Goil's move-able bed. And so does the kid. That is because Goil is a kid at heart.Yaay! I don't have to make my bed ever.And then Kelly dings Goil for the hiding space not having a cover on it.
The judges don't like Carisa's rope. I do! But there were a lot of sharp edges for a young guy climbing on ropes. Felicia's room looked too serious for her babygay client (yeah right). Elizabeth's client loved the soccer-themed room. Matt's client loves the white and black. Andrea's client was disappointed because she's a perfectionist brat.
And then there is John.
Kelly: I noticed that the side tables were far apart and away from the bed.
John: No, not at all. They were two inches.
Margaret: From the headboard, not from the actual bed.
Johnathan: You can easily reach the one left or right...if you take a little leap.
Ouch! Quick! Make an excuse to cover your ass about how that lamp serves as a decorative piece to cover that incomplete hole in the wall of your room.
John: Absolutely not! I challenge you guys to go lay in it and try.
Liz: So a ten-year-old girl can reach and turn off the light?
John: Absolutely. If it were a queen size bed. Absolutely.
Liz: But it's not.
John was OWN3D. And I love Liz as much as I love her lil sis Heather on The L Word bashing Jenny.
Then, it's time for Michael's weekly asswhuppin.
Kelly: When I first saw the room. I thought I walked into an assisted living facility.
It would have been the perfect room for her.
Take note, Ryan.
Erik gets the big-time kudos..from Margie!
Margaret: It was very fun and creative.
That's all.
Kelly, on the other hand, tells Erik to retrain himself. She's really thinking about the hundreds of moms and their kids who are watching this show and about said kids whining about why their rooms aren't as cool as the ones on Top Design. Even if you can buy all the material at TarGay!
Judge Deliberation. It's going to be a tough one. Yeah right. Goil's room is sophisticated to the client. Carissa's room is one of the judge's favorites. Andrea's room is pleasing and functional. Felicia won the prize for bed adjustment, which means squat in this competition. Liz's green carpet is awesome. Matt's lighting is creative. Ryan loses points for designing the room around the cat, not the girl! And John's was a disaster to everyone.
Johnathan: He was the mayor of excuses village.
Marry me, Johnathan.
A Casualty and a Victory. And here comes my favorite part. The bitch-slap handshake a la Johnathan Adler. And this time around, he makes it totally awesome.
Johnathan: You do not have the top design. But your work is good enough.
Who says that Johnathan should be next season's host and make Todd next season's judge? I do! I do!
Andrea, Matt, Elizabeth, Felicia, Goil, Carisa, Michael, and Ryan make it pass the judges with tingling faces. And nervous looks.
The top design goes to the fabulous room of Erik, who holds the hopes and dreams of gay youth everwhere.
I hope Erik makes a faabulous immunity idol. And he gets another grand prize too. A hug from Goil.
Do I see another golden couple on the rise? Cuz it looks like one is about to set.
Michael's room was sad, but at least, it was finished. John, you are the weakest whiniest link. Goodbye!
Johnathan: Your room looked like a work in progress.
Cue the smallest violin playing the saddest little song for John. And poor Michael... 
But, like most gay men, he's going to rebound. In that case, GET YOUR HANDS OFF MY GOIL NOWWW!
So the fabulous four is down to a threesome. Erik doesn't look so invisible anymore.As for John?
Thing mad...Thing want crush other things, like puny gay men named Michael. Over and over. Yeah...
Coming up: Back to the team challenges. Whatev. I'm wondering who Mike Nasty is going to hoe himself to next.
1 comment:
Goil is breaking away from the pack. He's doning everything right.
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