Episode Three: Life 's a Beach... Elizabeth and Carisa are something else that rhymes with "beach"
Last time on Top Design: Trouble with the tykes leads to the dissolving of Top Design's golden gay couple. See ya later, John Gay. Big kiss to you! And just to let you know: There's a great interview with John on OutZoneTV. He sez very gay things like this about Michael.
John (to OutZoneTV): I thought, this is not me. I would rather take Michael home and mentor him and teach him.
Uh, huh. Sure. Whatever you want to call it, Big Daddy.
Our favorite Gay Theme Song. Hey Hey Hey Hey. Goil. Erik. Yay. Yay. Yay.
I miss the Drama King already. Great, with John the fabulously gay camera hog gone, we have to, ugh, meet the rest of the contestants. They don't have much to say, like Ryan for example.
Ryan: I'm sure people are judging me. I am the artist. It is important for me to keep my style and to be an icon. I'm going to do my best to make my mark here.
Yeah, um can we get more shots of Goil over here, rather than Carisa's oversized cleavage? Don't you know who this show is targetted to?!
Surprise! Back to the Design Room and Michael's table looks a little bit more lonely than usual. Here comes BigGayTodd, our favorite intercom announcer. He has a surprise for them and then he states what is obviously in there. Once again, BOH-ring.
Erik. Is. Love.
Um, our new client is the cast for Mommie Dearest?! Faab-ulous!
There's sunglasses, bubble gum, frisbee, and look at Michael with his shovel.
Their mission is to create a beach cabana. Cute Goil is clueless.
Goil: I didn't know what a cabana was.
Goil, a cabana is retreat where you can get away. Preferably one with a dozen shirtless guys serve you drinks off their tanned bodies and do whatever you want.
Coffee, tea, or me?
Goil: I'm liking cabanas already!
And one great place for a cabana is Pattaya, Thailand. And they have a great place called "BoyzTown" where you can pick hunky men in speedos, for your "cabana."
Oh, and today is a team challenge. I can see the looks of dismay on all of the contestants.
Which queen reigns supreme? Michael, Felicia, and Andrea have Tahiti. Eric, Matt, and Elizabeth are going to Miami. Ryan, Goil, and Carissa are going off to St. Tropez. AfterElton totally noticed that they are splitting the gay men.
More gay advertising. This week's episode was brought to you by the fabulous Pier One Imports, whose spokesperson is the fabulous Queer Eye for the Straight Guy's Thom Felicia. <3
This show is FAAAB-ulous! What's next? Ikea?
Blah, blah, design lingo. The teams talk in their design-ese which nobody understands. And then, Elizabeth sez she wants to design
Miami and bring a new level of "sophistication" to Miami. Where they wear shiny pink shirts and have lots of Latina hookers. Classy.
Yeah, whatever you want to call it. Clearly, Elizabeth can't get her head out of her "sophisticated" ass to see that her team-mates are disagreeing with her.
Then, they pan over..finally...to Team Goil. Where Goil is thrusting his stick into...a styrofoam platform. Get your mind out of the gutter, kids!
Ryan: Goil, you're my hero.
Stop stating the obvious, Ryan!
And then Goil gets a "Why Every Single Gay Man Wants to Marry Me" testimonial.
Goil: I know how to work with my hands.
Yes, my thoughts exactly. Hey Hey Hey Yaaay.
Too bad BigGayTodd has to ruin things with his presence with more of his crappy "missions." Can't they give him something else to do?
Each team has to choose someone to go to the hardware store, someone to
go to the furniture store, and someone to do fabrics. Michael,
obviously takes the lead with the fabrics.
Elizabeth: Just knowing their personalities, I would go to the hardware store. Erik would do the furnishings. Matt would do fabrics.
She is soo butch. I love it.
Team Boil is in Trouble. Goil is going to the hardware store because he is
the butchest gay guy of all the guys on this show right now. Well, compared to Erik and Michael. Come back John because I'd rather hear you whine than hear Carissa.
Carissa: I got stuck with the fabrics, pretty sure, because I'm the girl.
Guess that doesn't bode well on Matt and Michael, eh?
And then Ryan and Carissa get into a sort-of cat fight about art and design. How do we know that Carissa doesn't know squat about design? She keeps calling it "space."
Ryan: I've been making stuff for ten years.
Carissa: I'm not sure that we are going to end up with things usable in the space.
Ryan: Trust me. Utility is going to come first.
Carissa: I'm worried. No offense.
Ryan: Well, whatever.
I agree with the look on Goil's face.
Really, Michael, really? Michael is busting his ass to do the best he can. Which impresses me. Until he says bullshit statements like this.
Michael: I know my design abilities and I have great taste. And I really have yet to shine it through.
Oh, yeah? Let's see that again?
I call this a "waste of space."
Pier 1. Fabulously big gay store! Erik likes spending money. I like spending more time looking at Erik's
ass. Ryan's furniture looks awesome. Too bad that most of it isn't
going to see the light of day.
The hardware store. Where guys get hard. Because the guys are hot. I WANT GOIL'S SHIRT! I bet my husband designed it by himself because he's adorable. So proud of him.
Now we know how Michael is getting over John. By being the bitchy gossip queen fanning the fuels in Carissa's pissed-off mind. He's so using the Richard Hatch strategy. Except he's not naked. Thank God.
Carissa: He didn't get it himself. And I didn't want to be an asshole.
It's too late for that, C.
And then he releases her all over Ryan.
The personal is political. Unless you're a designer, then pillows are political. The pillows are "too loud," says Asshole C. Actually, they look like perfect if the challenge was to design a cabana for Hawaii. And clearly, they disagree about what St. Tropez is, even though neither of them have been there.
Ryan: I don't want to make it look like Grandma's living room.
Carissa: Well, it's really, really classy. It's not my style.
Ryan: It's like topless women in motorboats, man.
Well, I actually googled "St. Tropez" and this is one of the first few images I saw. Well...
Ryan wins this part of the argument, but he loses big time in the next.
Ryan: To me this is a very conservative palette
Carissa: Well, I'm not a conservative gal.
Ryan: Y'know, I haven't seen your work but based on the last two rooms...
Carisa: You think my last room was conservative?!
Ryan: Compared to my sensibility, yes. Think of my rooms. My rooms are like WOW!
Ryan, no. Your rooms are like CRAP. On a plate. Made for cats.
And you two, get a room! Michael and John always knew how to solve their couple problems.
Speaking of flaming liberals. BigGayTodd does not like something, Finally. The colors aren't Miami. Let's think of the colors. Eggplant. Lime green.
SERIOUSLY?!
Erik: We're going to go for it anyways, because your first idea is usually the best idea.
Not when you choose puke lime green as a color for Miami.
Speaking of puke, look what Michael is up to!
Michael: I'm making a homemade mattress.
For him and John, of course.
As for the oouple who knows squat about St. Tropez...
Carissa: We obviously know that people do boating.
Ryan: And women are topless.
We know what kind of cabana Ryan is thinking about. And it's not classy.
After seeing three episodes so far, I think that Todd is better as a voice on an intercom. He actually sounds better off-screen . Like Charlie in Charlie's Angels.
"Good morning Designers. Good morning Toddy!"
Tool time. Here's Goil with a sander. Here's more of Goil's arms. Can you also see Aldrich grin like a stupid idiot right now? Men + power tools=hot men.
I couldn't find a pic so here's Goil's ass. Merry Christmas.
Goil has concluded that the challenge is a difficult challenge right now for him.
Goil: Ryan's not a team player. And Carissa is not a team player. No team players here! Hahaha... (I'm so dead.)
Speaking of team players...
Carissa: I would love to get along. With everyone.I would love to. But that's not my mission
I'm sure we have heard that one before....
And speaking of bitches. Michael's team is helping him get over John. He and Felcia are BFF! Yeah, right.
Felicia: Here, let me zip the mattress up right now.
Michael: It was good stuffing with you (but John does it better).
Team Boil is at a Boiling Point. Ryan and Carissa are like the old couple that argues about everything. Typical of those relationships where the two people are from different political parties.
"Your pillows are Republican!" "Well, your furniture is Green Party, oh and your measurements are Communist!"
Carissa: I hope Ryan can see and learn in the actual design of spaces than of art.
Ryan: Carissa just fills up space.
Poor, poor Goil.
Goil: I like working individual challenges a lot more. But for me, it's individual. hit or misses for me.
Big gay hugs for Goil!
This is a beach, where they are supposed to show some skin, y'know. First of all, WTF is Goil wearing?!
This is a beach. Y'know what they have on beach? SKIN!!!
Fortunately, the carpenters got the memo. They look so hot.
Alleluia!
But I'd love to see shirtless Goil please. You're cute and you're hot. So please get over your insecurities.
Speaking of hot and bothered,
Carissa: I hate sand and I hate sun. I'm a New Yorker and I'm going to have a really cranky attitude.
Ryan really went all out ot help and Goil is touched. In the meantime, Carissa is spraying down the carpenter.
TopDesignFluffer is back. He calls the Tahiti form so dynamic.
Michael: It takes a village of gay designers to build a cabana.
And ButchGoil is barking orders.
Goil: Scissors! Seamstress!
He'd look so hot in a powersuit. Sir! Yes sir!
Yay, Johanthan is back. Oh yeah and the other judges too. Johnathan Adler is smoooking hot!!! He is buff. He, of course, is wearing a tight number that accents his pecs and muscles. I'm sure he is handy about his hands too.
This week's guest judge is Kathryn Ireland. She's known for her blend of European elegance with the chic of California. If she is one of the top ten designers in the world, how does she get away with the frock? Miss J is not pleased. At all.
Team Mikey. WOW. I want that cabana. Until a hurricaine came and ruins everything.
Margie: Did you hav something on the top.
Felicia: We made a conscious decision not to have them.
Aren't cabansas supposed to protect people from the heat. Unless, the purpose is to turn people's skin as dark as the Tahitians.
Skin cancer, anyone?
Team Erik. WTF?
Aren't cabanas supposed to allow their people to see the beach? Y'know. Just a thought.
Team Goil
Goil: It has very minimal support and it stands up and it looks like i was very vertical and mildly modernist. Y'know, Goil could read the dictionary and I still think he is hot.
Intermission. Who is more difficult to work with? I voted for Carissa. Did you?
The Rainbow White Room of Judgement. Kelly is issuing cans of whup-ass and takin' names!
Up first for a spanking is Team Michael. Even when he wins (ahem, spoiler), he still gets whupped first.
Kelly: Don't you think that it needed a roof to protect your clients?
Felicia: We could've had some retractable thing that opens and close.
Kelly: But it wasn't there.
I think Kelly was drinking whatever Carissa was that day. She's not having a good day.
Team Erik gets clobbered for its pukey colors, as predicted. Uh oh. Here comes the pointing fingers phase. Erik did it! Elizabeth did it! Eliminate them, not me!!
Erik almost screws himself as Kathy attempts to save their ass by changing the subject.
Erik: Can we talk a little bit about the colors? What makes the colors not work --
Johnathan: I'll tell you my feeling about the colors. It was something about the green and the purple.
Kelly: It felt more Vegas than Miami.
Vegas=tacky=Erik loses. He's got immunity though.
And Kelly says that the Miami colors are much more sherbert? I was thinking more hot pink. Like flamingos.
In other words, you should have kept those pretty Hawaiian pillows and stopped bickering about who you elected in 2004. The architecture sez St. Tropez and the furniture sez Buffalo, New York. That's ten times more tacky than Vegas, kids.
Oh and Carissa gets her spotlight for bitching a la John.
Carissa: I did feel a little edged out. I have a lot of experience styling and I don't feel that my talent should have been used to the maximum. And I felt that maybe I should have gone shopping.
Yeah, cuz you're the girl right?
Judgement time. The judges love Team Michael's cabana. Team Erik looks like it is in trouble.
Margie: If I do think that (Elizabeth) was responsible for the colors, then I don't think it was a good thing.
And everyone loves Goil from Team Goil.
Kathy (finally wearing something less tacky): I would hire Goil to come and work for me.
So would that mean Goil is moooving to California? That's great. He can meet hot Asian guys like me in San Francisco and we can all have a fabulous time. Goil, call me!
Kelly: The architecture and the furniture had absolutely no dialogue. It was like shut down.
They sure did...
Ryan's furniture: You're too conservative. And ugly. And a waste of space.
Carissa's fabric: Shut up, you tacky communist.
Goil's structure: No one is a team player here...hahahaha! I'm just going to stay up here looking pretty.
Tacky colors don't mean top designer. The winner of the round was Team Michael. And even I'm applauding.
Johnathan: Your place felt like a Tahitian vacation...but where was the roof?
Handshake. Slap. And Kelly's pity weekend prize for the winners.
And Andrea finally sez something and she makes it good.
Andrea: We get to have a girls' weekend. All three of us.
Erik has immunity. So bye,bye Elizabeth...
Kelly: Its like if you go to the paint store and the paint is on sale.
Kelly: Its like if you go to the paint store and the paint is on sale.
I. Heart. Kelly. Except for those nasty lime green gogo boots.
Maybe you should take your own advice, dear.
"See ya later decorator!!" JOHNATHAN FOR HOST! JOHNATHAN FOR HOST!!!
Bitch's last goodbye. Elizabeth is still queen bee when she sez good bye.
Elizabeth: I just wish I didn't go out with ugly colors. Fuuck.
1 comment:
Ryan should have been kicked off instead of Elisabeth. He made a bigger design error with the out of place furniture.
Carisa was being annoying.
All the teams did below what I would expect.
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