Top Design is still gayer than a Cher and Madonna Tribute concert to Brokeback Mountain in the Castro because Goil likes wearing kilts and says "fabulous"
Today's Episode: One Man's Trash Does Not Make Art, Ryan.
Previously on Top Design: ConservativeCarissa and RadicalRyan bicker like the current Congress over their politics, but Liz ultimately gets the boot for thinking lime green represents Miami..and because Erik has immunity.
Our favorite opening: Hey Hey Hey Hey. Let's reminsce on JohnGay and all the great drama he gave us. Liz, we barely knew ye.
A Lark in the Park? No, it's just Ryan. We start out in a park somewhere in DesignLand where the remaining contestants are celebrating their latest victory.
"Ding dong the witch is dead! Which old witch? The wicked witch!"
RadicalRyan talks about how he needs to prove himself.
Ryan: I would really be able to blow some minds.
I hope you also end up blowing your bum out of Top Design. Because you can't design, even if cats paid you.
And, the very!straight! Matt doesn't like being a "bottom" by the way, even though it saved his bum from being canned on judgement day last episode.
BigGayTodd introduces the next mission. Good news: The designers get to meet their clients. The bad news: They are all interior design students from college. And they dress like them too.
Well, I was a college student once. And yes, we wear anything.Especially anything that is clean and doesn't smell like pizza andbeer. And my hair probably looked like Kelly's but I'll get back tothat when we roast the judges.
Todd: They need to sleep there, eat there
...and do it there, because that's what having a post-college pad is all about, hey hey hey..
So, the designers' mission is to create a bachelor/ette pad for these cute college kids. Cuz I'm sure these kids are gonna get laid, just like Goil with all of his gay groupies, for being on television.
"It's hard out here for a pimp." (I still think that Brokeback should've taken this Oscar too).
Carissa has Eden, who isn't a girly-girl and likes orange. Matt has a cutie named Chad. Andrea's client Steve gets my gaydar BIIG TIME. Erik's client is also cute. Felicja's client Mary has "a great sense of style." Goil's client, Zeal, has the AWESOMEST.NAME.EVER and shares commonalities with G n' me.
Goil: I like science-fiction.
And we all love George Takei. I'll be his Star Trek Stud any day.
Client Carrie is totally hitting on Ryan and she likes his "art," which makes him "very excited."
Like he is with BigDaddyJohn, Mikey is all prepared.
.
Rise and shine at 6 a.m. BigGayTodd wakes everybody up at 6 in the morning. He probably gets a lot of sleep when he should be thinking about sardonic and crass things to tell the contestants. Oh, and they need to meet in the "Guys Living Room."
Carissa: You're kidding. 
She knows what is going on in there.
Cuz we're classy fo' sho cuz we're sponsored by Targay: More unhappy news. Today's Top Design is brought to you by "Le Garage Sale."
Mikey looks like he is going to shit a brick. Andrea is completely mortified because she has never been to a garage sale because she is used to going to classy places like "Le Pacific Design Center" and "Le Target."
Whatever. I'm proud to say that all of my furniture in my apartment right now came from garage sales. Even my TV, which was $15! I may not be as classy as Goil, but he's proud of my thriftiness intuitiveness that I gets from my Asian genes.
And they only have $500. Guess how much I had when I did all my furniture shopping.
Right? Right.
Carissa the design student dishes her words of wisdom.
Carissa: We're going to find, like three dirty mattresses and a ping pong table.
Sad news is that she speaks the truth. Don't forget all the useless plates and vintage video game systems!
Don't ever diss my honey again or I'll cut you: There was this one dude on the Downelink, the hottest gay Asian personals site, who said he didn't like Goil because he's effeminate and his name sounds like "a noise that Jerry Lewis would make."
So, I told Goil one night in the bedroom and he was mortified. So, he just wanted to make this clarification.
Goil: My name is Goil, like GAR-GOYLE.
Yeah, he's like a gargoyle. Except he's cuter. With tight pants. And a shirt that reveals his niice arms.That's right, gaysian men represent!
Oh, and there's another name for gay men who like to split the difference between 'effeminate" and "macho." Straight-acting. Insecure. 
Speaking of insecure significant-others. Mike's bitchin' about garage sales.
Michael: There is nothing unique or high-end about it.
What do you expect from the man who calls Target a "department store."
Erik dishes out cans of whup-ass today to all the "high-end" designer contestants with our quote of the day.
Erik: I don't know many designers who start out with a million dollar budget so you have to be creative from the beginning...you've gotta work with what you got.
"Make it Work!!"
ERIK. IS. LOVE. If only I didn't pledge my heart to Goil.
Speaking of Goil. Goil. in a kilt. The cuteness ensues.
Y'know, the Scottish don't wear pants or underwear around the skirt. You should follow those rules too. Please, with sugar on top?
Just a lil' bit higher...
More gayness ensues: BigGayTodd says some shit. And then he brings on the sexay carpenters!!!
This is probably the only reason why gay men watch this show. Other than hoping that Goil has to design something for a nudist colony and has to take his shirt off.
But before we can see all the sexiness, Todd has a surprise...
Felicja: Uh-oh.
The designer who wins this competition will get to select their designer next time. Some surprise. Go back to sleep, Todd. And let's see more of carpenter Jared, who is equally as hot as Goil. 
Carissa's carpenter Sarah looks as dykey as her.
The sexay carpenters hit the hardware store, and that means we have the unfortunate of watching BigGayTodd fluff everybody. And he complements everything. Gawd. Jesus.
On the bright side, look at how BigGayTodd fluffs Goil.
Pant. Pant. Hello arms. Goil is satisfying all of my carpenter Goil fantasies right now.
A designin' we will go. So, our fabulous designers are getting ready to put together their works of art. And by "designers," we mean Ryan, and by "works of art" we mean "crap on a plate."
Ryan: My plans for this room is to treat it more like an art project.
Bad move, mister. And then he is gong to throw crushed glass into the wall. Ouch. Is this client actually supposed to live in this room?
Jared has a message for Goil
Jared: 9 and 3/4. Does that figure into your specifications?
Goil: No that's not it dude...it needs to be this, minus the bottom.
Haven't I seen that in a movie before?
Later, we get a shot of Goil's tight ass. But then we zoom quickly to divaCarissa who is not happy with her carpenter and her table. Then, she brings Michael into the conversation because who can do condescending cattiness more than Michael? They decide that she needs to throw out the table..and the carpenter, which is something that Bette should have done.
Carissa: I am never going to trust a carpenter again.
Judges roasting table aka the Rainbow White Room. Johnathan makes everything cool. And speaking of not so cool, look at Kelly's hair.
See ya later, decorator. Seriously.
That's why I like Margaret. She stays cool and has the same classy look and that same heart of ice as she devours tacky designers for lunch.
Today's guest judge has been nominated for 23 emmy awards (which means he didn't win any). It's Joe Stewart, the set designer from "Friends!"
Three words: Old rice queen.
And Goil grins cuz he knows that he can take full advantage of that. I used to do it for food. I also knew there was something that was kinda gay about "Friends," other than Joey and Chandler. Teehee.
Matt and Andrea's designs don't really have anything that wows me.
On the other hand, Goil. is. wow.
The chairs that he has are awesome. And they are on wheels.
Goil: It's like a scene of domesticity. But it's broken.
Goil knows art.
Ryan doesn't. Check out Ryan's "art project." WTF!!
Michael: It looks a little Willy Wonka.
My thoughts exactly. Please leave, Ryan, and take your tacky taste in "art" with you.
Michael's room isn't so "clean, bright, and happy" and looks more like "yardsale Disneyland."
The One Where the Clients are Harsher than the Judges.Joe reveals that he goes to garage sales to design sets. I'd like to sell my chair so Goil can sit on it!
See, Goil has been listening to his client.
Zeal: I definitely can sleep here. Me and another person.
Margaret (to Goil): You are ingenious.
That's all.
Erik's "Art" was quite scary. 
And not very inspiring.
Erik: I thought it could be taken as pop-literal.
Oh no, you don't. Do not talk about art, Mr.I-Think-Lime-Green-is-Miami.
Felicja is in hot water because of the granny blanket on her bed. And Mary was not quite contrary.
Mary: This makes me feel like my grandma's house
.
But Ryan is in boiling water...
Kelly: When I first saw the room, it was a lot to take in.
Like 9 and 3/4 inches. Ouch.
Johnathan: The client thought she was sleeping behind bars.
Which leads Ryan into this highly-convoluted argument about "art" and design, unleashing all of Margie's pent up rage.
Ryan: I don't come in with my color book...I'm thinking at a higher level.
Margie: Actually, I think there is nothing wrong with paint samples...and it seems like you speak about them in a very derogtory manner. (JUDGES: 1, RYAN: 0)
Margie: Do you want to be a designer?
Ryan: As long as I can have my own rules...
(cue a WTF look from every other decent designer in the room, aka everyone else, even BigGayTodd)
Ryan: Y'know, I can make a room pretty...
Johnathan: Y'know, you might want to start with that. (JUDGES: 2, RYAN: 0)
.
Ryan, there's no such thing as a "starving designer." Go home, please.
The one where Kelly and Margie almost get into a Girlfight and the guys are too gay to care:Ryan and Andrea's stuff are ho-hum to the judges. Goil's design is flat, so my man better work it next episode! Erik understood his client. Carissa is a "good shopper?" Seriously, judges, seriously? Michael is...improving. Felicja looks like she is in trouble.
Johnathan: Her room reminded me of the set of Mama's Family.
That's a not-so-nice way of saying that Felicja's design looks very much like a garage sale. And Ryans room reminds me of the set of every Marilyn Manson video ever made.
Margie isn't going to take Ryan's crap.
Margie: He doesn't have the sophistication and the knowledge. I think he is angry and he speaks in a derogatory manner. (JUDGES: 3, RYAN: 0)
Kelly: Even though it was traumatic, it really moved you...I think the important thing was that he had an idea, which is unlike certain people I know (looks at Margie).
Kelly and Ryan siting in a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G! (JUDGES: 3, RYAN: 1, because Kelly is a wimp and has bad taste in hair.)
Margie looks like she's gonna punch-a-bitch. I'd love to see that.
The one where the judges give the audience two unpleasant surprises:Erik, Goil, Michael, and Andrea get bitch slap/handshakes, leaving Matt, Carissa, Felicja, and Ryan.
And the winner is Carisa, even without the storage.
Johnathan: We think it was balanced and beautiful?
SERIOUSLY?! Carissa's room sez "dorm room" all over it. I think Matt should have won. His place looks much more sophisiticated on a garage sale budget. 
One more thing. Carissa. Flannel. Nuff said.
That leaves Ryan and Felicja. Goodbye Ryan and take your tacky bedpost-prison-fence with you.
BUT WAIT...
Johnathan: Felicja, goodbye
.
REALLY, PAPI, REALLY?!
Mary: If I lived here, I would shoot myself.
Well, if I lived in Ryan's room. I'd tie myself up in a straitjacket to stop myself from shooting myself or tearing my eyes out of my head. In all honesty, I think Ryan should have left. But don't worry, he'll leave soon enough. That gives the Fabulous Three a fighting chance to become the Final Three.
Felicja: I should have thrown the afghan out the window.
And while we are at it, can we throw out Ryan's bed-prison-fence. I'm not a big fan of Ryan right now.
"See-ya-later-not-a-decorator!"
Another unpleasant surprise. Top Design's next new episode is in two weeks, which means no recap next week. I'll use that time to be with my real boyfriend because he's sick of me traveling to Goil's place to get "design tips."
2 comments:
Very entertaining recap!
I love this episode.
Todd Oldham is like the crazy relative. When he went to the contestant's quarters he was funny.
Todd got it right when he told Carissa about using orange and lime green for the third time. She is strangely drawn to those colors.
Carissa did a lot more complaining in this episode. She didn’t like what the carpenter did with that table extension (which was like that end table for the bed in episode 2). The carpenter tried to make it right but she was having none of it. I think her carpenter was the scapegoat for her not liking her own design. And somehow she won. That baffles me because the room was more for an 8-13 year old.
I wonder about Michael’s taste. He is the go-to guy for sad, dysfunctional rooms. As one of the female judges jokingly said “He’s Mr. clean, bright, and happy.” She also looked worried in his room when judging it.
Whenever Erik sees or hears something surprising his right eyebrow goes up. Watch for it. I liked his room the best this week even though there were some problems with it. The artwork was scary. What was he thinking? The room had a masculine quality but wasn’t too overwhelming.
Ryan needs to get off his high horse. As Jonathon Alder said if you are going to be badass you better be able to back it up. He hasn’t. There was an S & M/ psychedelic/ prison quality to the room. For everything he’s done on the show he should have been the one to go this week.
Goil is becoming very predictable. The color palette he has used has been white, off-white (like yellow or gray), small amount of bold primary colors, and light-colored wood. I admit I love the color palette but I’ve seen it from him before. I hope he expands; I’m afraid he won’t. The room was gender-neutral, with eclectic touches. The chairs I didn’t like especially the ones that were modified. I know I would fall off those chairs and hurt myself.
Whatever happened to Felicia? The room was an outright mess, nothing redeemable about it. When I saw the leopard print on the curtains I gasped. I knew the judges were going to kick her off after seeing that. Having leopard print accents is like having a sign saying you have no taste and are cheap.
I agree with everything you say. Especially the fact that Ryan is clearly not a designer and his insensitivty to his clients will hopefully bite him in the ass.
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